December 12, 2006
just some things
i suppose it's a little weird to be so exceedingly happy with my weight having dropped so much. i'm not unhealthy tho' so i'm not going to let myself feel too guilty about it. admittedly, i am struggling a bit with it... in an emotional and mental capacity.
i really really do NOT want to gain the weight back but i do want to be strong and therein lies the problem.
i started going back to the gym. i'm averaging 4-5 times a week with an hour of cardio and working my way back up to the weight training. i'm doing my abs every gym day as well as the cardio and i'm trying to alternate upper and lower body workouts.
this friday is the last bout of the season... championship bout for the trophy. my team is playing. i'm so excited. i think we will win.
that means that there is a possible hiatus until march unless i try out for the travel team which means that practices would resume in january. i think i'm going to try out for the travel team.
i feel a lot stronger since the topamax dosage has leveled off. this is such a good thing. my team has also said they've noticed a difference in my performance. i'm just so scared of gaining the weight back... whether it is muscle mass or whatever... i really don't want to gain it back.
even with a full belly of food an hour ago i was only tipping the scale at 101.5
that made me so elated. i really want to keep it this way. i feel good. i feel strong. i don't think i should have to gain weight if i don't feel unhealthy. if i can perform in an athletic capacity then why should i have to gain weight... even muscle mass?
time will tell...
i just don't understand why it's so scary to me all of a sudden. a month ago i was 111 - 112 pounds and i was ok with it... a bit uncomfortable at times but mostly ok with it.
i really like my stomach now. i'm really happy that i can't feel it blubbering up and down when i walk now. i'd like to keep it that way.
unfortunately, i lost almost a cup size in my breasts. that fully sucks. i didn't have much to begin with and now i've got even less... of course, the only part that truly bothers me about that is that i now have to buy new bras. i hate that. i don't really care about the size of my breasts... i like them small...
i have to have another coloposcopy tomorrow. not stoked about that. hopefully that will lop off the offending tissue and we'll be done with it again. *sigh* my lady pieces have had enough of this shit to last a lifetime...
giggle-more at 4:49 PM
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